In the know.

Making a move to a senior living community is a huge decision, one that many older adults are hesitant to make without the full support from their loved ones. So, what do you do when you are ready to downsize and make the move, but your adult kids are not supportive? 

In most cases, a little education helps the proverbial light bulb to come on when they finally "get it."  Yet somehow, there are those that still don't understand how a move like this, offering total peace-of-mind, maintenance free living, a socially rich lifestyle, and priority access to future care at a discount, would be more attractive to the older adult than staying in the family home. Or, better yet, moving in with them.

You see, the older adult is often blinded to the issues pressing in on the older adult. Mom and Dad have always been the source of strength and resilience in the family, they may not want to come face to face with the reality that things are changing. They may not understand the growing burden of caring for a large home that boasts of square footage in portions of the house that are rarely even used. The concept of loneliness may be baffling to them, not understanding that the phone calls and sporadic visits from the grandkids is not enough to sustain your emotional wellbeing. Even more perplexing is your desire to prepare for future care needs by moving into a community that provides every level of care, just in case. Many adult children are quick to offer to become your caregiver instead, not always understanding the full weight of what this type of arrangement would mean. All in all, they feel they are advocating from a genuine place of love and concern.

But there remains a disconnect, between what you want and need, versus what they perceive is best for you. Here are our top tips for seniors who have adult children who don't "get it."

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Start with Honest Communication

Be clear about why you are motivated to make a move. Explain how this will enhance your sense of freedom, peace-of-mind, wellbeing, and overall lifestyle. Be sure to use "I" statements to keep the tone personal and not defensive. For example, "I feel like it's time for a change." Or, "I want to be proactive about my future." 

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Acknowledge their Concerns

Allow them to express their fears or worries, often it's more about their own emotions and need to adjust. In some cases, they may perceive you desire to move as a personal failure. For example, if you mention that you are lonely, they may feel they have failed to visit often enough. Or, if you state the upkeep of the home has become too much, they may feel they failed to get more involved in supporting you with lawn care or general repairs. When you are attuned to this possibility, you can arrive at a more meaningful conversation that helps alleviate their fears and come around to supporting you. However, if their resistance is related to other concerns, explore each one openly, offering to bring them to tour your community of choice to get more insight on why this is an attractive option to you. Naturally, you'll want to find ways to reassure them that this is a decsion about you and taking charge of your future, not a reflection on them or your relationship with them.

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Educate Gently

Many people have very outdated or negative ideas about senior living communities. As a result, you may be left to unravel a long list of misconceptions before you can get to the other side of this conflict. Again, offering to take them on a tour can be a great kickstart to help them "get it," but there is likely more education that will be needed as a follow up. There are great resource sites like whereyoulivematters.org featuring helpful articles.

If you can, try to connect with seniors who are already living at the community along with their adult children. Many times, the sales representative at the community could arrange a discovery meeting between your family member and a willing resident's family member to get unbiased feedback on how this deicsion has played out for their loved one.  

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Stick to Your Values

At the end of the day, this decision is about your long-term goals, wellbeing, and overall plan for aging. You have every right to make whatever decision you feel is best for you, whether or not they understand yet. Sometimes the support from your family will come after the move, when they see you thriving and they finally "get it."

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